


3 A.M. Waffles

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [25]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Bob - Freeform, F/M, Fast Sex, HOld up, Night shift - Freeform, Non-Abusive, Robbery, Van - Freeform, Waffles, waitressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 09:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19461022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: A Waffle Hut at 3 a.m. in Gotham





	3 A.M. Waffles

It was 3 a.m. at Waffle Hut. 

Cory Smith yawned and rubbed his eyes. He hated working the night shift sometimes, especially on nights like tonight when he was so dead on his feet that he could lay his head on the counter and go to sleep. He doubted anyone would notice, as it wasn’t really that busy, not more than usual at three in the morning in Gotham. 

They had the usual handful of truckers--tonight there were three of them--who had made midnight drop-offs at 24 hour groceries or other places that needed their freight early in the morning. The truckers usually stopped here for some food and coffee before heading back out to their next destination. In a corner of the yellow and brown painted restaurant, sat a couple of young women who reminded Cory of a couple of teaching assistants he had in a couple of classes in school. They both had that “too cute for words” look and they always smiled so much. The two had all the signs of having been on a successful date, hand holding, finding reasons to touch each other, the red cheeks, and glassy eyes of the smitten. It was clear to Cory that neither one of them wanted their date to end, but they were both too scared to ask each other back to one of their apartments. 

There was another couple in the opposite corner, a man and woman he had seen in here before. The guy looked like a douche to him, sporting a Tom Selleck mustache (and how many people could pull that off besides Tom Selleck? Not this guy, Cory mused.) And Cory was pretty sure the dude was wearing a hair piece. The chick wasn’t too bad, a little plump, but she had a great rack and Dolly Parton hair. They came in here a couple of times a week and pretty much just made out while they ate, feeding each other and giggling at nothing. Cory hated them for two reasons: one, they seemed happy, and two, they seemed happy. 

Cory’s eyes wandered the restaurant to the last group who sat at one of the center tables, a group of teenagers, or maybe they were around his age, he couldn’t really tell, and probably because he didn’t care. Judging by their clothing, the girls in short shorts, everyone wearing concert t-shirts from the same band, sweaty and talking a little too loudly as if they couldn’t hear well, Cory was going to guess they had all been to a concert and were on their way home, but decided to stop for waffles. 

Cory glanced over at one of two waitresses who were working the night shift with him, Barbie, a bottle blonde old enough to be his mom and Cheryl, a cute little brunette who he couldn’t convince to go out with him. The two women were deep in conversation, drinking coffee. He frowned, wondering if he should have some coffee too, maybe see if he could get in on the conversation instead of staring at nothing. 

Coffee was the upside of working here. The place smelled incredible all the time. Along with the coffee there was the scent of melted butter, waffles, maple syrup, along with all the toppings they offered--strawberries, blueberries, different syrups flavors like blackberry and raspberry, whipped cream, chocolate, you name it, you could probably get it on your waffle here. 

Cory yawned again leaning on his elbows by the register when the front door chimed. He looked up and frowned, blinking as he tried to decide if what he was seeing was real or if he had fallen asleep. 

* 

Harley, wore a pair of red and black short shorts, a black sleeveless half-top that exposed her belly, knee length tube socks, black and red high tops, and had pulled her hair into pigtails. She jumped through the front doors, landing with her legs wide and with a bright happy smile on her face, threw her arms into the air as she yelled at the top of her lungs. “WAFFLES!!” Joker followed behind Harley a little slower, yawning at the same time. He looked rumpled wearing a pair of purple slacks, black dress shoes with white spats, a white dress shirt that was untucked and a little wrinkled, minus a tie. The shirt lay opened down to the middle of his chest exposing a wide view of pale white skin. His green hair was mostly a mess with a few curls hanging down across his forehead and he looked tired. Both clowns were armed, Harley with pistol in a thigh holster, Joker with his twin holsters under his arms. 

Behind Joker followed Jonny Frost in his usual black suit, red tie, and white shirt combo, also looking tired and wrinkled, and last came Bob, who was dressed in a tutu with an orange flowered top and white tulle skirt, with matching orange tracksuit shorts underneath the tulle skirt, and orange tennis shoes that matched the shorts. The big man skipped along happily behind them, holding a magic wand with a large orange puff on the top, trailing white streamers, looking just as happy as Harley did. 

Joker sighed once they were through the door. “Okay fine, we’re here. Happy?” 

Harley squealed spinning around to wrap her arms around Joker’s shoulders, covering his face in kisses. “Thank you puddin!! I love you!” 

Joker smirked wrapping his arms around her and received the kisses with a widening smile. Harley surprised him when she hopped up and wrapped her legs around his waist, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him deeper still. Joker wrapped his hands around her rear carrying her the rest of the way into the restaurant while he returned her kisses just as deeply. He may have been tired, but it was worth taking Harley out for her waffle craving when she was so grateful. 

* 

The two waitresses shared a look before Cheryl glanced over at Cory who shrugged. They all knew who they were; it was The Joker and Harley Quinn, Gotham’s deadliest and most notorious criminals, and the clowns were here in Waffle Hut. Cory wasn’t sure what they wanted, but oddly the four of them were waiting at the little sign to be seated, as if they were normal customers. Cory frowned and motioned at Cheryl to go over to them. Cheryl gave him a dirty look. Cory sighed, certain he had just lost any chance with her by trying to get her to go over to the deadly duo, but getting into her pants wasn’t as important to him as staying alive. 

Cheryl glanced over at Joker and Harley, who at the moment seemed content to make out. Joker was holding Harley up, her legs wrapped around him like a monkey, the two of them attacking each other like a couple of teenagers. 

Cheryl took a moment to look around. Everyone in the restaurant had gone quiet and still, waiting. Even the truckers looked terrified. The normal looking man standing beside Joker and Harley looked tired, while the man in the tutu just kept smiling and looking around with a happy, calm smile on his lips and waving his wand. 

She took a deep breath, grabbed four plastic menus, and walked over to them. 

“Uh, table for four?” she asked, plastering a smile on her face. 

Jonny nodded. “Yes, but can we have a booth?” 

Cheryl smiled “Of course, this way.” 

She walked toward the seating with the four of them following her. Joker and Harley had stopped kissing, but Harley still clung to Joker, giggling, nuzzling Joker’s ear as he carried her to the booth. He only put her down long enough for Harley to slide into the booth with him following her while Jonny and Bob slid in on the other side. 

Cheryl placed the menus down in front of each of them with Harley eagerly picking up her menu while Cheryl pulled out her notepad and pencil from the pocket of her apron. “So ah, what can I get you all to drink?” 

Joker grinned. “Coffee, lots of it.” 

Jonny nodded in agreement. 

Harley looked up. “Can I get chocolate milk too?” 

“Of course,” Cheryl answered with a nervous smile. 

Joker grinned. “Oh me too! Bob?” 

The man in the tutu nodded with enthusiasm. 

Joker nodded with a wink at Bob. “There, three chocolate milks and lots of coffee!” 

“Okay, um, I’ll let you look at the menu and bring your drinks.” Cheryl stuttered over a few words, but Joker had picked up his menu not giving her a second look. “Fantastic,” he said snuggling closer to Harley as the two of them looked over the menu. 

Cheryl hurried over to the counter, glaring at Cory. “You’re an asshole,” she exclaimed through her teeth. 

Cory didn’t take the bait. “So, what do they want?” 

Barbie came over staring at the small group. “What’s going on?” 

Cheryl shrugged. “They want three chocolate milks and coffee. They’re looking over the menu.” 

Cory frowned. “They’re just here to eat?” 

Cheryl glared at him. “Don’t sound so disappointed, but…” She looked back over to their booth. Harley was nibbling at Joker’s ear, the pale clown was leaning back, his arm draped around Quinn’s shoulders grinning while she licked his ear. The rest of the restaurant was staring at them. No one had tried to get up and leave since everyone was too terrified to move, but Joker and the others seemed to be just waiting for their order to be taken. 

Cory frowned, quickly grabbed some clean glasses from under the counter and began making the glasses of chocolate milk, doing his best to make them extra good while Barbie checked the coffee and thanking whatever gods looked over Gotham that the pot was actually fresh. 

Cory set the glasses down on a tray he pulled out, adding cups for the coffee while Barbie filled an insulated coffee pitcher and set it on the tray too. Cory motioned at the trio, looking at Cheryl. 

“Well, go over and take their order.” 

Cheryl gave him the stink eye. “You’re a coward.” 

Cory smiled. “No, I’m just not stupid and I’m not a waitress.” 

Barbie reached over and smacked Cory on the arm. “Cory!” 

“What?” Cory jumped rubbing his arm. 

Cheryl picked up the tray and hurried over to the infamous group’s table, with everyone watching her. When she arrived at their table again she set the tray down and proceeded to place the glasses of milk in front of them, followed by the coffee, while she tried her best not to shake. 

“So, ready to order?” she asked in what she knew was her most cheerful voice. 

Joker nodded grinning as Harley pulled his shirt away from his throat and licked his collar, her fingers caressing his exposed chest. “Yes my darling girl! My sweet Harls here and I are going to have your cupcake waffles, extra whipped cream and sprinkles please. Bob is going to have your double blueberry waffles with a side of bacon. Frost?” 

Frost smiled at Cheryl trying to give the poor waitress his best sympathetic look. “I’ll just have your Belgium waffles and a side of eggs and sausage.” 

Cheryl wrote everything down. “Will that be all?” 

Joker nodded. “That’s it!” He quickly turned his attention back to Harley. “Come here pumpkin--Daddy needs more sugar.” 

Harley giggled, moving to straddle his lap. “You deserve all the sugar puddin!” She undid a few buttons of his shirt and proceeded to bite his throat. Joker grinned with a goofi expression, grabbing her rear with one hand, his other hand stroked her back while he closed his eyes. The booth was cramped, but the two of them were making it work. 

Cheryl blinked at them, but Frost said softly. “Ah, sorry.” 

Cheryl smiled. “It’s fine. I’ll put your orders in right now.” 

* 

She hurried over to Cory and Barbie handing Cory the order. “They just want their food.” 

Cory frowned. “Weird.” 

Barbie shrugged. “Hey, even murderous clowns need to eat.” 

Cory turned and put the order through to the kitchen where Ralf, an older Latino man worked with Buck, a large, quiet black man with blue eyes. Cory leaned into the kitchen through the opening. “Order up and uh, Ralf, make sure this one is one of your best.” 

Ralf looked offended. “I always do my best!” 

Cory glanced over his shoulder and hissed. “It’s the Joker’s and Harley Quinn’s order.” 

Ralf stopped what he was doing at the oven and turned to look at Cory. Buck, who had been stirring a bowl of batter near the walk-in fridge stopped too, his eyes wide. 

Ralf hissed at Cory. “Are you fucking serious?” 

Cory nodded and slid back out of the way so Ralf and Buck could take a look. 

Ralf hissed. “Fuck me! It is them!” 

Buck, who never spoke, smiled and pointed. 

Ralf looked over at his co-worker. “What are you going on about Buck?” 

Buck pointed again and this time Ralf saw that Buck was pointing at the very large man in a tutu sitting at the table with Joker and Harley waving a wand around like a little kid. 

“You know him?” Ralf asked. 

Buck nodded giving Ralf an “okay” with his fingers. 

Ralf shook his head again. “Okay. Well, I’m going to make the best waffles I’ve ever made. Buck says the tutu guy’s okay, then they’re okay.” 

Cory nodded. “Thanks man.” 

Cory had just turned around when the door chimed again. This time a slender man with dark brown hair wearing an all green suit with a question mark pattern and a matching bowler hat tucked under his arm, stepped in with a green and bronze topped cane in his hand. Next to him walked another slender man, this one taller than him with sandy blond hair and wearing what looked to be part of a scarecrow costume, carrying the scarecrow burlap mask in his hands. 

“Oh, fuck me sideways,” Cory hissed. “Is that the Riddler and Scarecrow?” 

Cheryl’s eyes widened without turning. “It’s your turn Barbie.” 

“Fuck,” the older woman muttered. 

* 

Harley was busy working on putting a hickey on Joker’s throat when she happened to look up the moment the door chimed and squeaked in surprise. “EDDIE!! Scarecrow!! What are you two doing here?” 

Joker pouted when Harley pulled away from his neck; he had been enjoying receiving a hickey. He turned to see Nygma and Crane waiting to be seated. Joker sighed, his voice flat. “Oh goodie.” Barbie had grabbed up two menus and just started to lead the two men to a table (the other patrons had been quiet, unmoving. The teens had moved to a corner table and were huddling together. The two women on a date sat silently and held hands. The happy couple hadn’t moved a muscle, frozen in place, and the truckers, who had shifted marginally, either ready to go for the door or maybe do something stupid, Cory thought, like try to take down the Joker and perform a citizen’s arrest--like that ever ended well. But luckily the truckers had gone still when two more of Batman’s notorious foes walked in.) 

Barbie walked the two villains in, everyone watching in fear as she showed Riddler and Scarecrow to a table nearby Joker’s and Harley’s booth. 

Riddler tossed his hat down onto the table, then groaned with a look at Joker as he took his seat. “What are you doing here Joker? Oh Hi Harley.” 

Harley waved with a smile. “Hey Eddie!” 

Joker turned around a little more in his booth to face Nygma and to smile brightly at Riddler, which he knew annoyed the man. “Harley wants waffles, so I’m indulging her. What are you doing here?” 

Scarecrow yawned as he sat and stretched his thin back, which cracked loud enough that Harley wouldn’t have been surprised if the man had folded in half. “We’ve been working together on a plan and decided we were peckish,” Crane muttered. 

Riddler shrugged. “I like waffles.” 

Harley giggled, wiggling happily on Joker’s lap (which he was enjoying immensely because she had already made him hard, the wiggles were just making the ache in his groin more fun). “I like waffles too!!! You guys wanna sit with us?” 

Joker, whose attention had been drawn to her breasts, looked up and groaned. “Harley…” 

Riddler frowned. “Ah, no thank you, Harley.” 

Joker, keeping a hold on Harley, turned a little more fully to look over at the two men. “What are you two working on?” 

Riddler stuck his nose in the air, folding his arms over his chest. “That’s for us to know and you to find out.” 

Joker made a face and mocked Riddler, his voice sing songy. “That’s for us to know and you find out, blah blah blah.” Joker laughed and grinned at Riddler. “You know I’ll find out right? I always find out.” Joker laughed again (not noticing the way the other patrons all cringed at the sound). “Because your ego won’t let you keep secrets Eddie. You are too far up your own ass thinking: Oh, I’m the most intelligent villain in Gotham. No one can out-think the Riddler!” 

Joker again put on his mocking voice. 

Riddler stood up.. “I’ll have you know Joker that…” 

Everyone (not a super villain) in the Waffle Hut sucked in their breath at once--the collective gasp was almost loud enough to be heard--except Joker and Riddler were too busy glaring at one another to notice. Bob frowned and looked around with wide eyes while Frost rubbed the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m too tired for this shit,” he muttered. 

Crane sighed and set his Scarecrow mask down on the table. “Eddie, please, I’m hungry and would very much like some coffee.” 

Riddler stood ramrod straight, glared at Joker who was grinning back at him from his booth. 

Harley made a face. “Don’t you two start! If I don’t get my waffles, I’m going to shoot someone!” 

(Another, louder, collective gasp from the other patrons and employees.) 

Riddler glared, clearly wanting to do something, but it was also just as clear that Riddler had no idea what to do. He glared at Joker, who lifted his eyebrows expectantly, but then abruptly sat down with a humpf. “Waitress, coffee please!” 

Barbie, who had gone stiff as a board when the confrontation started, frowned, glancing between the two men before she turned her attention to Crane and did her best to put on a smile about to ask what he wanted to drink, but Crane saved her by simply stating. “The same.” 

She stepped closer and placed two menus down. “Take your time--I’ll be right back with your coffee.” 

She turned and was pleased with herself when she didn’t take off at a run back to the counter. 

Cheryl grabbed Barbie and hugged the older woman, whispering. “Oh my god, are you okay?” 

Barbie nodded. “I think I just lost a couple of years off my life.” 

Cory was staring as he muttered. “We got four super villains in our restaurant.” 

Barbie looked over at him while still hugging Cheryl. “Did you call the cops?” she asked in a whisper. 

Cory gave her a look that said he thought she was crazy. “Do you want a shoot out here? A hostage situation?” 

Barbie and Cheryl paled, both women clearly having not thought of that. 

Cory nodded. “Yeah man, I call the cops, that’s what’s gonna happen. As long as they just wanna eat, just treat them like regular customers.” 

Cheryl frowned. “You think they’ll pay their bill?” 

Cory looked at Cheryl like she had grown a second head. “No, I don’t and I don’t expect them to tip either.” 

That was when Ralf hit a bell in the kitchen, announcing food was ready, but Cory and the other’s jumped a foot turning to glare at Ralf. 

Ralf smiled with a shrug. “Sorry--order up.” 

* 

Harley squealed with delight when she saw the waitress approaching their table with their waffles. “OOH! Puddin look!” 

She wiggled off of Joker’s lap to sit beside him, clapping her hands as the waitress set her plate down in front of her. The waffles had colorful sprinkles baked into them with a mountain of whipped cream on top, more sprinkles, and topped with a cherry. 

Joker grinned at his own plate as Cheryl placed it on the table in front of him. “That does look good,” he said with wide eyes. 

Harley grabbed her fork and dug in, cutting off a bite far too big for her mouth and shoved the large bite between her lips. She smeared whipped cream on her lip,s but she chewed happily rolling her eyes as she mumbled around her food. “Oooh, that hits the spot!” 

Joker laughed at her, reaching over to grasp her chin with one hand and pull her over to lick the whipped cream from her mouth. 

He purred with delight and a look up at the ceiling before he looked back at her. “Mm, it does taste good.” 

Harley giggled, smiling at Joker, cut off a bite and fed the generous slice of waffle and whipped cream to him, her eyes lustful as she slid the bite between his waiting lips. She leaned in close and licked his lips of whipped cream too, her eyes on his while she traced his mouth with her tongue. “Mm...even better.” 

Joker reached out and ran his fingers through the generous amounts of whipped cream on his waffles before rubbing the sticky cream over the top of her breasts. 

“Oh look at that, I dropped some! I’m so messy.” Joker pouted. “I'm such a bad boy.” 

Harley giggled. “Yes you are puddin, you better clean it off, you bad boy.” 

Joker waggled his eyebrows at her before he leaned in to begin licking whipped cream from the upper curve of her breasts while Harley giggled. 

Bob ignored them, digging into his waffles with gusto while Frost sighed, putting one hand up against his face to shield him from Joker and Harley’s antics while he tried to eat his food. 

* 

Barbie smiled at Riddler and Crane, proud of herself when her voice remained steady. “What can I get the both of you?” 

Riddler was glaring over at Joker and Harley--who were giggling louder than he thought was polite--while covering each other with whipped cream and licking each other like a couple of copulating animals. 

“They’re disgusting,” he observed. 

Crane set his menu down and ignored Nygma. “I’ll have your gluten free waffles.” 

Eddie dragged his attention from Joker and Harley to look back over at Crane with a frown, his nose wrinkled. “Are you serious?” 

Crane frowned at Eddie, folding his hands in front of him. “I’m allergic to gluten.” 

“Gluten is a myth,” Nygma muttered before he looked back at Barbie. “Just traditional waffles with a side of bacon and eggs.” 

“Got ya. I’ll get that right for you.” Barbie turned, hurrying over to Cory to put their order in when the door chimed again. Everyone in the restaurant turned as one, including Riddler, Crane, Joker and Harley to see Mad Hatter walk into the restaurant with Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee behind him. 

The diminutive man was dressed in a long red velvet coat with tails, matching pants, a blue vest adorned with green polka dots, blue bow tie and a red velvet top hat on his blonde head. The 

Tweedles were dressed in matching red overalls with white shirts and matching red fezes on their bald heads. 

Hatter smiled and looked around at everyone in the restaurant. “Is this the place one comes for waffles?” 

* 

Cory groaned. “What the fuck is going on?” 

Cheryl shrugged. By now, she was sure she had taken all the shocks she could handle for a night. “Gotham.” 

Barbie frowned and asked with all seriousness. “Is this international waffle day?” 

* 

Cheryl hurried over, menus in hand and showed Hatter and his friends over to a small square table on the opposite side of the Joker and Harley’s booth, which put the clowns between Riddler and Crane and Hatter and the Tweedles’ tables. 

Cory watched all of them, the three sets of criminals sitting at their tables eating or waiting for their orders. 

He exchanged a look with Barbie while Cheryl took Hatter and his gang’s orders. “Think Batman will show up?” 

Barbie shrugged. “At this point I wouldn’t be surprised, but with our luck, unless these guys are planning to rob the place, I think we just serve them waffles and hope they leave a tip.” 

Ralf stuck his head through the opening between the main body of the restaurant and the kitchen, his eyes wide. “What the hell is going on?” 

Cory shrugged. “I’m with Cheryl--Gotham.” 

Ralf shook his head. “Damn…” 

* 

Joker fed Harley a bite of waffle, smiling at her while he watched her chew. He smirked and thought that she was so cute that it hurt. He reached out and stroked a couple of lose strands of her hair back from her face. Harley grinned back at him wiggling a little, happy. Joker reached over and took a sip of his milk while at the same time putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. 

He leaned in, his red lips caressing her ear as he whispered only for her to hear. “You are so cute.” 

Harley swallowed, taking a sip of her chocolate milk. “I’m so full!” She laughed. 

Joker chuckled “Good. Now, I need to work those waffles off of you.” He grabbed her, yanked her over onto his lap once more. Harley giggled and squealed, but adjusted herself in the small booth to straddle him, her arms around his shoulders. 

“My puddin,” she cooed low and hot. “The best thing I like to eat.” 

Joker laughed caressing her sides. “Mmm, me too, nothing like a wet, juicy Harley snack.” 

Harley giggled and snuggled close to him. 

* 

Riddler took a bite of bacon while glaring at Joker and Harley. “Look at them--disgusting.” 

Crane sipped his coffee glancing over his shoulder at them and back to Riddler. “I think you spend too much time worrying about Joker and Harley.” 

Riddler made a face. “Joker is just so…” 

Crane smirked. “Are you jealous? Do you like Harley?” 

“I do not.” Riddler shoved a bite of bacon into his mouth. 

Crane shook his head. “You better not, my friend. If Joker found out you did, you would not last very long.” 

Hatter was sitting at his table with his gang, the three of them with many more plates of waffles than there were men at the table. Crane, who had glanced over to them counted at least ten plates of waffles. He frowned and shook his head. 

That was when they all heard the chimes at the front doors once more. 

Everyone turned toward the front of the restaurant as the chime over the door rang merrily. The patrons who had been unmoving, staring wide-eyed, each one of them looking like a deer caught in headlights having stayed perfectly silent this entire time, as if hoping that by not moving or not making a sound, the villains eating their waffles would forget that any of them were in the restaurant with them. The patrons stared at the door, all of them looking as if they could not take another shock. 

Cory groaned as he looked toward the door. “Oh what now…” 

Everyone stared as four gunmen rushed into the restaurant, all armed with a variety of weapons; one had a shotgun, one had an assault rifle and the other two were armed with differing pistols. 

They were all dressed in black, black jeans or sweats, each one wore a black hoodie though the guy with the shotgun’s hoodie had “GOTHAM” printed across the front while one of the men with a pistol had the Batman symbol on his hoodie. All of them were wearing hose over their faces. 

“ALL RIGHT! THIS IS A STICK UP!! EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, PURSES, AND REGISTER NOW!! AND NO ONE GETS HURT!” the man in the Batman hoodie yelled. 

Harley and Joker both turned. Joker frowned. “I didn’t know this place had a floor show?” 

No one moved. 

The man who had yelled, reiterated. “GIVE US YOUR MONEY NOW!” 

Crane frowned and took a bite of his waffles. “Are they serious?” 

Riddler shrugged. “I think so.” He sipped his coffee without moving. 

Hatter stood up, holding his cup of tea out. “You have a regrettably large head, I would very much like to hat it.” 

When no one moved, the man who was doing all the yelling fired his gun into the ceiling. “I SAID GIVE US YOUR MONEY! AND SIT DOWN YOU FUCK OR I’LL PUT A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.” 

Hatter narrowed his eyes at the robber. 

The Tweedles shifted in their seats. 

Frost had moved his hand to his weapon. 

Bob sat up straight, though he still smiled happily, waving his wane in his other hand. 

The rest of the patrons hadn’t moved, and one of the truckers wet himself. 

Joker groaned aloud at the same time that he and Harley slipped out of the booth. 

“Is that the best you got? OOoh, I’ll put a hole in you...and those outfits? Really? Did you decide that that was the best way to dress, by watching one of those crime shows on TV. You four couldn’t get more generic if you tried. Except I suppose you did try. I would laugh if it wasn’t so sad. Oh, what the heck? I’ll laugh.” Joker laughed. 

Harley giggled “I love the hose on their heads, makes you guys look like trolls or something.” 

Joker laughed. “Their faces look like Clayface when he’s in the middle of changing. All squishy and flat like he fell on his face.” 

The two clowns laughed some more. 

The four gunmen exchanged looks. They hadn’t expected this sort of response before the leader of their little group held his weapon on Joker and Harley. “Look, I don’t know who you two think you are, but…” 

Harley smiled brightly and bowed, extending her arms toward Joker. “You are in the presence of the one and only JOKER!!” 

Joker bowed, though no one but Bob and Harley were clapping. 

Joker wrinkled his nose playfully. “And let’s not forget the one, and only--hot between the sheets with a beautiful smile--Harley Quinn!” 

The four gunmen looked confused. 

The leader snarled, but there was a quiver in his voice that hadn’t been there before. “ Look, you two clown freaks need to sit down or I’ll shoot you a hole in ya.” 

“Oh, if you had the cajones for that kind of fun, you would have done it already.” Joker teased with a wink and a grin before he pulled out his weapons in a lightning quick movement, while Harley did the same standing next to him, her smile never leaving her face. Frost stood up and pulled his gun, while Bob set his own weapon on the table next to his plate of waffles which he began to finish eating as if whatever was going on was just normal business, just the usual for him. 

The armed men all jumped a foot when Joker pulled his sidearms out. 

Joker grinned, his smile spreading across his face. “Now Harley and I, we love that kind of fun. Don’t we pumpkin? We live for it.” 

Harley giggled, the barrel of her weapon aimed at the man with the Gotham hoodie’s chest. “We sure do puddin.” 

Crane stood up and walked over, sliding his Scarecrow hood over his head as he went to stand next to Joker, his voice dropping into the low, almost sensual voice that had sent many a victim to their graves screaming in fear. “I may not like guns myself, but I didn't come unarmed.” 

Riddler took up the position next to Harley, his hat on his head, his cane held in both hands, the bottom of which was glowing and sparkling with electricity. 

“Believe me, this will give quite a shock.” Eddie smiled, now looking like the criminal who had matched wits with Batman. 

Hatter jumped up and raced over with the Tweedles in tow. He pulled out a surprisingly large, hand-sized grenade launcher from under his coat, while the Tweedles fanned out behind him. Both pulled guns from their overalls. 

“Would you like your adventure now or shall we have tea first?” Hatter smiled, his eyes wild and clearly mad. 

The four men stared in shock, now that recognition was washing over them. They all looked terrified, the front of the jeans of one of them began to darken as he lost control of his bladder. 

Joker giggled. “So, ya feelin’ lucky punk?” 

Three of the men turned, dropped their weapons and ran, the chime on the door merrily chiming away as they ran out the door. The man in the Batman hoodie stood still for too long, only turning a moment too late to see that his friends had abandoned him. 

The few seconds he spent to turn to see that his friends were gone, Joker and friends had moved to surround the man so that he couldn’t leave. 

Joker chuckled. “Aww, it looks like your friends weren’t as dedicated as you thought, were they? I guess you get to be the one who pays for ruining our waffle run, doncha?” 

* 

Joker stretched when he stepped outside, putting his arms over his head and standing all the way up on his tiptoes. “You know Harls, that was a great idea! I love waffles.” 

Harley giggled. “Told ya.” 

“You did.” Joker nodded as he draped an arm around her shoulders. “I will never doubt you again.” 

Harley laughed. “Yes you will, but I love you anyway.” 

Joker smiled and kissed her temple. They began to walk back to their car when Joker stopped dead in his tracks. 

Parked on the corner near their car was a van. 

It looked like an old van from the ‘70’s, painted neon green with a large purple question mark on each side, with “The Riddler” painted in black and darker green on the back doors and across the hood. 

Joker stood there and stared before he whispered. “Who does that? Look’s like a pedophile van. You think he goes around and offers kids candy? Riddle me this kid...” 

Harley laughed giving Joker a playful smack. “Puddin! You know Eddie isn’t like that.” She giggled again. “Well, we would have a van like that--if we had a van--though ours would look so much cooler.” 

Joker nodded. “It would Harls, it would.” 

Harley nodded and asked in a whisper. “You think it has shag carpet in it?” 

Joker grinned, showing all his teeth and waggling his eyebrows at her. “Shall we check it out?’ 

Harley nodded vigorously. “Let’s!” 

Frost stepped forward. “Boss I…” 

Joker giggled. “Bob, Frost--stand watch! Harley and I are breaking in!” He turned to Harley. “Didn’t I say I need to work those waffles off of you?” 

Harley giggled. “You did puddin.” 

“Well...let’s go see how much room Riddler has in his little joy bus there, see if there’s enough room to work off waffles!” Joker threw his hand up in the air as he made his announcement before he marched wooden soldier style to the van with Harley marching right alongside him. 

* 

Breaking into the van was easy; Riddler hadn’t bothered to lock it. 

As Joker pulled the doors open, a light set in the ceiling of the van came on with a soft purple glow, and they both stopped and stared. 

The inside of Riddler’s van was completely green, acres of green crushed velvet decorated the walls along with mirrors--lots of mirrors--set among the velvet like jewels in a ring case. The floor was indeed shag pile carpet and at the front, near the front seats (which looked to be bucket seats) was a double bed, with fluffy pillows and thick velvet green and purple blankets. There were speakers on the sides, cupboards and a TV. There was a mirror-clad archway that separated the back in half, giving the van’s interior the illusion of a bedroom and lounge area. 

Joker said in a whisper. “I can’t decide if I’m appalled or impressed.” 

Harley giggled and climbed into the van. Only a step into the opulent vehicle, she ripped her top off and dropped it to the floor. She turned around and shimmied her shorts down her legs before she stepped out of her shorts. She stood naked in the back of the van, except for her socks and tennis shoes, cocking her hip jauntily to the side. 

She put her hands on her hips while giving Joker a saucy smile. “Last one on the bed is a rotten egg.” 

Joker laughed, climbing in after her and pulled the doors closed behind him. “You know I’m always a bad egg Harley!” 

As soon as the door shut, Joker grabbed Harley around the waist, lifting her off her feet and dumped her onto the bed. Harley bounced and jiggled, laughing as Joker climbed on top of her. 

“OOoh look what I have here, some cute little naked blonde with the most beautiful smile in the world.” 

Harley giggled, her fingers running down the front of his shirt, pulling the buttons through their holes as fast as she could. 

“Get your pants off now,” she demanded with a purr. “My sexy clown, I want you to fuck me hard and fast.” 

Joker cooed. “Well, how can I refuse an offer like that…” 

He shoved his pants down at the same time Harley ran her fingers through his hair kissing him hard, deep, and with the desperation of the aroused. 

Joker freed his erection and slid into Harley with a load moan against her mouth as her warm, wet, comfortable body wrapped around him. 

He grabbed her legs, hooking his arms under her knees, and dropped forward. His hands slid under her head cradling her as he kissed her. He thrust deep into her, taking his time to feel every inch slide into her. He pulled back just enough to whisper. “You’re so wet…” He chuckled, his blue eyes dancing as he gazed into her sparkling blue eyes. “So juicy.” 

Harley gasped, followed by a happy giggle as she reached up and grabbed his shoulders, bringing her legs up over his shoulders. She groaned when he pushed into her, filling her completely. 

“Oh puddin...just...uh...just for you…” She pressed her fingers into his shoulders, capturing his mouth in a hot, melting kiss that sent shivers down Joker’s spine. 

He adjusted his position and slammed into her, hard and fast. Their bodies came together with the loud smack of flesh on flesh, the wet sounds of his erection moving in and out of her, their cries melded together in their shared passion. 

The van began to rock, creaking on its struts as they fucked aggressively. 

* 

Riddler yawned, finished his coffee while Scarecrow downed his last bite of gluten-free waffle. 

The regular patrons had left after the stick up, running out while the group of villians took care of the sole survivor of the stick-up gang. The patrons left with a surprising chorus of thank yous as they escaped. 

Hatter and his Tweedles had left right after the attempted robbery, piling their waffles into take-out boxes, paying for their meal with a pile of colorful buttons and vanishing into the night or whatever Wonderland Jervis Tetch currently resided in. 

Joker and Harley had left, paying for their meal with a set of knock, knock jokes that they told together as if they were a stand-up act. 

Riddler had actually decided to pay with real money, just so he would look better than the Joker. 

He glanced over where the one man from the robbery gang sat at their table. He was tied up and babbling incoherently in fear with the occasionally hysterical giggle. The man’s eyes were round and bloodshot, and drool ran down from the corners of his mouth as he babbled. 

“Waffles! WAFFLES!!!” 

Crane looked over at the man with a smile, then switched his gaze to the employees. “Are you sure you don’t want us to take him with us? I would be more than happy to, his new fear of waffles is quite something. I would love to study him more.” Crane’s voice was warm and smoothing, but a cold interest was hinted in his tone too. 

Cory glanced at the others and shook his head. “Ah...no, it’s fine. We’ll, uh, call the cops after you leave.” 

Riddler wiped his mouth and stood up. “So how much do we owe you?” 

Cory again looked at the two waitresses. “Ah...you know man, after what you all did, it’s on the house.” 

Riddler frowned. “But I insist…” 

Crane looked perplexed when some movement caught the corner of his eye, his gaze having shifted to look out the large front window into the dark parking lot. “Eddie, is your van...hopping?” 

Nygma turned to look out the window only to see his van bouncing in place. “What the…” 

But his eyes moved from his van to see Frost and Bob standing just outside it. Bob was playing hopscotch while Frost watched. 

“Where is that damnable clown and Harley?” Riddler asked, but he feared he already knew the answer by the way his van shook and bounced. 

Riddler shot up and ran for the door, yelling at the same time. “GET OUT OF MY VAN!!!” 

Crane watched him go and sighed before turning back to the restaurant employees. 

“May I have a refill on my coffee? This might become violent.” 

Cory muttered. “I think I might change to day shift.”


End file.
